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YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Mont. --  (satire) The National Park Service announced today that in an effort to better compete for visitors' attention in the modern era, they are rebranding the park as the Yellowstone National Petting Zoo. 

A representative from the park said that visitation has been declining over the past several years, and that they hope this change will reverse the trend. To give park visitors what they seem to want most, the park will now encourage guests to approach and pet the wildlife, getting as close as necessary to capture the perfect, envy-inducing selfie that will make their expensive vacation worth the cost. 

"We've tried for decades to keep people away from the wildlife," Ralph Frankle, a park spokesperson said. "We've finally given up and decided to just give visitors what they really wanted from a visit to Yellowstone," he added.

"Now, guests can get right next to a massive bison, and even put their children on the beast to make their vacations more memorable."

When asked about the increase in wildlife-related injuries to guests, Frankle said, "People will do what people do. We're just sort of stepping out of the way to let them have an authentic experience." 

The new policy has resulted in 426 injuries and 97 deaths so far this year, but park visitation has increased by 942% over the same period a year ago. 

To learn more about the new Yellowstone National Petting Zoo, visit https://www.nps.gov 

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